Curb Your Fighting Enthusiasm

Lessons from the champions

Every long-term couple has a superpower. Some are great at cooking elaborate meals together, some can watch Succession for 10 hours straight, others are masterful content creators who have transformed their lives into TikTok goldmines. (What can I say? We’re living in weird times.) My partner and I happen to have two special skills that set us apart. The first one is driving through various American states to destinations that other people prefer to fly to. The second one is fighting over absolutely nothing.

To be clear, this is not me confessing to a fatal flaw in my relationship. No, this is simply who we are and have been since our first date, when we managed to get into a nonsensical squabble on the topic of private schools 90 minutes in. (He was previously vehemently against them until the child is in middle school, but has since changed his mind due to #babywhipped syndrome.) Over the past four years, we have argued our way through trips and drives and cross-country moves and newborn delirium and rough times and good times and idyllic Sunday afternoons that are exceptionally hard to f*ck up – and yet, we somehow manage to, because that is the very definition of a superpower. Ironically, we rarely fight over “serious" issues that often affect couples, such as money, alcohol or trust, but have yet almost broken up over my overtly loud way of unloading the dishwasher. On a good day, our fights have a comedic innuendo à la Lucy and Ricky, the kind that make for gossip-worthy entertainment for those around us. On a bad day – well, let’s just hope there’s nobody around us.

And yet, over the past six months, things have started to shift. I’ll save the more intimate details of this development for a different kind of post, but I attribute it to a combination of our daughter getting older (no need to mess her up too much) and us growing tired of repeating the same screaming matches with the same anticlimactic results. The past few months have brought along an unprecedented period of harmony in which fights go as quickly as they come and our house no longer feels like a war zone with no winners. While we will likely never fully give up arguing (it’s our love language!), our newfound ability to curb the drama before it gets out of hand has inspired me to share a few effective practices with fellow couples who thrive on chaos. If we stand a chance, so do you.  

Walk away. Walking away is to a fight what a plank is to a workout – the most effective core technique that’s often the hardest to master. While it took me six months of therapy and meditation to hone said skill, I can now attest that there’s nothing more effective for de-escalating a fight and calming your flailing nervous system than temporarily removing yourself from the situation. Most therapists will advise doing something zen, such as a breathing exercise or walking meditation. I prefer a full-body distraction that will prevent my volatile thoughts from brewing, be it listening to a podcast, going for a run, or calling a close friend for a cathartic shit-talking session. An hour later, the fight is practically guaranteed to deflate by about 50% in your mind, allowing you to re-process it on a clear head and approach it with a newfound level of composure.

Just don’t say it. You know what I’m talking about – the low blow repartee, the critique about them “soaking” dishes in the sink, the comment about their lack of familiarity with Chopin’s Nocturne... The “witty” remark might be at the very tip of your tongue, but I firmly advise that you take a deep breath and hold it in. At some point in a relationship, you simply have the foresight of knowing exactly what will happen if you keep pushing it – the options usually being brewing resentment or back-and-forth banter that will culminate in a blowout fight. So hold back, give them a quiet fuck-you smile, and relish in that delicious feeling of superiority.   

Practice occasional idiot compassion. Idiot compassion is generally critiqued as a “weak” practice of enabling people by telling them what they want to hear – and, as a tough love devotee, I too used to be vehemently against it. That is, until I acknowledged my own hypocrisy by admitting there’s nothing I hate more than my partner tough loving me. Case in point: do I know that period cramps are, technically, not a big deal, and I should probably just suck it up and deal with them? Sure. Do I want to hear this from my partner? Hell no. What I actually want him to say is that I’m the bravest woman alive and will undeniably get through this unjust tribulation life has thrown my way – i.e., the very definition of idiot compassion. That being said, it’s often smart to approach a situation from your partner’s “hurt inner child” perspective, put all your wise-ass advice aside, and lie through your teeth about “understanding them.” A thin layer of bullshit is part of the foundation of most strong unions, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Have more sex. Sex is like the Vitamin C of relationships – seek it out regularly and keep the gut-wrenching arguments at bay. This one is so abundant with benefits, ChatGPT almost ran out of space when I asked it why sex is good for a couple. The summary is: it releases oxytocin (i.e. the "bonding hormone”), helps your communication skills, relieves stress, and promotes general “relationship satisfaction,” i.e., makes you far less likely to explode the next time he disappears to the bathroom for 40 minutes instead of watching the kids. Speaking of kids, how to make time for sex you have small children is beyond my pay grade, so please send any tips you may have my way. (Also, this podcast gives some great insight into the importance of sex in a couple.)

Pretend they died. Disclaimer: this one is dark, but I didn’t come up with it. I actually heard about this method in a podcast with Celeste Barber, who shared that she often imagines her husband died when she’s fighting with him (hear it for yourself here). Apparently, envisioning how sad she would be if this actually were to happen instantly eradicates her anger and replaces it with love. I just tried it and it works wonders! Dave, I love you! I’m sorry you got stuck with me airing our dirty laundry in a public newsletter! I already forgot that you called me a chronic complainer yesterday!

That’s it, folks. If you have any other peacekeeping tips to add, please share them in the comments!