One of the reasons I always looked forward to having my own family was because I assumed it would resolve the loneliness I used to feel around the holidays, a time synonymous with snuggles, holiday movies and kitschy family activities made better by the presence of children. As it turns out, there is something even more difficult than loneliness, and that’s the experience of parenting during the holidays, when your entire routine is temporarily whisked away and replaced by domestic chaos, travel nightmares and extensive stretches of real, hands-on parenting. Throw in a husband who works in hospitality and your amazing Mary Poppins nanny coming down with Covid, and you get two weeks that felt like two never-ending months. (I can go on and rant about holiday-induced Insta-pressures, messy family dynamic and marital blowouts, but do we really have all day?)
The silver lining: I’m officially a pro when it comes to making toddler time go by faster through a series of (desperate) techniques that I’m happy to share with you guys. Disclaimer: no child expert in their right mind would approve of what I’m about to suggest, so please don’t tell Doctor Becky.
1. Lose the mom guilt. This is the most important part, an aperitivo that will allow you to take in the rest of the advice on a good head, so to speak. Haven’t read your kid anything other than the Poopicorn board book in a week? Force-strapped your toddler to their stroller and yelled at them in the middle of the Whole Foods checkout line? You are not alone – at least, I’m right there with you. And yet, we are still good moms, even if for the simple reason that we bother to feel guilty about these things. Yes, I realize the comparison beast that is the Internet is filled with YouTube moms making papier-mâché castles with their well-behaved tots, to which I offer two coping strategies. If you are a moral high ground type of person, utter a platitude à la “comparison is the thief of joy” and ignore them. If you’re a mild hater like me, tell yourself that their kids will probably need therapy for being streamed on social media platforms to millions of people since the day they were checked out of the hospital. When all else fails, remind yourself about parents of the 70s who smoked in the house, fed their kids Frosted Flakes on the daily, and “supervised” children rather than playing Montessori preschool teacher – and all turned out okay.
2. Find little pockets of peace. This one is also non-negotiable, for it happens to be the key to surviving the mental litmus test that is parenting. In the event of spending a full day tending to your child, it is imperative to carve out regular twenty-minute intervals of sanity for yourself, even if it means sacrificing a few of your kid’s brain cells via Cocomelon in the process. For example, every morning I put my daughter on the potty right after breakfast and place an iPad in front of her face, allowing her to enjoy a full episode of Stillwater while I eat my breakfast, drink my coffee, and plan my next vacation/escape plan. By the way, I feel absolutely no guilt about this, because a–by then, I’ve usually been up for 90 minutes serving her milk, oatmeal and apples on repeat like a waitress at an all-you-can-eat buffet and b–because it ensures me an inkling of patience going forward.
3. Keep your brain active. One day last month, I was at a kid’s gym called Ball n’ Bounce, trying to make small talk with a few equally miserable toddler moms with zero interest in situational friendships. (I find playground moms to be generally split between antisocial and over-eager, myself swaying between the two.) Suddenly, I had a spark of genius. I took out one AirPod, turned on Diary of a CEO (great podcast rec!) and proceeded to shadow my child through the torture chamber of colorful plastic with a big smile and an engaged brain. I also occasionally employ said technique at home, especially while doing household tasks such as loading the dishwasher while my daughter unloads the kitchen cabinets. I realize that it counteracts the whole “being present” aspect of parenting, but there are moments when I genuinely don’t feel the need to be that present – in fact, me not being present might be best for everyone. (More on this, far more eloquently, in this excellent newsletter.)
4. Fit them into your day, not the other way around. What unnerves me so much about modern parenting culture is that we have grown accustomed to molding our entire lives around the whims, desires and “hobbies” of a legion of 25-pound humans. Not anymore! This holiday, my daughter ran all my errands with me, spending hours entertaining herself in fitting rooms, home goods stores and even one lip wax appointment. (Side note: car naps = pockets of peace!) She also turned out to be quite useful around the house, deriving acute pleasure from sorting through the laundry, separating mama and papa’s underwear and transporting everybody’s clothes to their designated rooms. I always knew that kids would prove to be useful for free labor – as it turns out, it’s never too late to start!
5. Let them be bored. This is the only “expert-approved” piece of advice I have, for there are myriad articles about the various ways in which boredom helps kids develop their cognitive imagination, creativity, problem-solving skills and countless other virtues. So far, my child’s best display of creativity and problem-solving skills has entailed removing every single household item from its designated spot and emptying the entire spice rack on the floor, which is a fairly decent tradeoff for 20 minutes of watching Emily in Paris in the corner. (She also may have watched a few episodes of Emily in Paris with me, which will certainly develop her...sartorial creativity?)
6. Recruit Dad and run. This one should be a no-brainer, but, considering that it’s often easier to do it all yourself rather than write out a 3-page manual on the logistics of dressing a toddler, it often goes omitted. Write the manual, leave the snacks, prepare everyone for what awaits them and RUN. Book a workout class, a massage, a hyperbaric chamber to nap in, then follow it up with a shopping trip for an outfit that doesn’t fulfill any playground needs. Peep the house cameras throughout the day for an extra dose of entertainment. Not only will you feel better-rested upon return, but you may also earn some newfound appreciation when your partner realizes that you spend the bulk of your life being held hostage by a tiny dictator whose mission is to seize full control over your body and soul.
7. Surrender. Sometimes, you just have to give up. Case in point: my daughter is a unique breed of toddler who spends most of her time demanding food, particularly “apple bababa” which means a Yumi container of sliced apples that she carries around the house as her emotional support tool. If I refuse to give her, say, a fourth container, she screams bloody murder for about 30 minutes, then clings to me for another 30, whimpering and whispering “bye, apple bababa.” The whole thing is kind of soul-crushing and drains the energy out of every single person in the house. After employing all the useless “gentle parenting”-inspired techniques that are meant to “establish boundaries” and help her develop healthy “self soothing skills,” I simply gave up. I told myself that apples are healthy, that it’s just a stage, and that she probably won’t grow up eating a pint of ice cream every time she’s upset. And, if she does, so be it. There is a limit to what I can do as a parent – the rest is up to nature, fate, kismet, you name it.
The more I think about it, the more there is a comfort of knowing that, sometimes, there is only so much you can do to control these little humans, who were ultimately put on this planet to be their own unique entities, apple obsessions included. I’m not going to get into some unhinged rant against over-involved Millennial parenting, but I’m definitely starting to see the value in losing some of the preciousness and methodology that we have grown so accustomed to. Let them eat what they want, let them act out, let them watch cartoons, let them have a childhood – and let yourself have a little bit of sanity.
“(I find playground moms to be generally split between antisocial and over-eager, myself swaying between the two.)”
So glad to hear it’s not just me. I also love to over-share when I’m eager, just desperate to find a like-minded mom. Your notes continue to be wonderful!