It’s two days after Valentine’s Day, which means that we are still recovering from a digital blitz of couple photos that engulfed our feeds alongside heartfelt captions about love, luck and destined life partnership.
I’m no expert in "fighting well," but here are a few things that have worked for me:
1. **Remember you're a team.** The words you say can stick in your partner’s mind long after the argument is over. Once something is said, it can’t be unsaid, so think before reacting.
2. **You’ll get through it.** Accept the fact that no matter what, you’ll come out the other side. Arguments are like adjusting a watch—small parts need tweaking and realigning before everything works smoothly again.
3. **Look for solutions, not just problems.** Instead of just venting, ask questions like: "How do we get past this?" "What’s your perspective?" or "What’s your vision for the solution?"
4. **Sleep on it.** Even if you go to bed angry or upset, remember that things usually feel clearer and better in the morning. Time has a funny way of healing wounds.
5. **We’re all imperfect.** We’re doing the best we can with the tools, emotional baggage, and life experiences we have. Cut yourself and your partner some slack.
6. **Sometimes, it’s okay to just give in.** Even when you know you're right, saying “You’re right, honey” can work wonders. Sometimes it’s not about being right, but about keeping the peace.
Hope this helps, and I’d love to hear what others do when the heat of the moment strikes!
I don’t know a single person who has posted about their relationship problems on social media - but I know quite a few that suddenly wiped all the smiling photos, proclamations of eternal love, and all traces of their partner from their feeds. Social media has made people hell bent on showing the best version of themselves - the aspirational vision board is an excellent analogy - but in that regard, they also want people to think that their partners are perfect too.
Social media aside, the whole paragraph on how it takes time and work to understand each other’s damaged parts is *chef's kiss* - absolutely perfectly stated. My partner and I didn’t have our first big fight until about three years in, during the exhausted and anxious stage that inevitably follows the birth of your first child - and I was shocked to learn that we have very, very different fighting styles, stemming from very different personality traits. But hopefully you both learn (I'm still learning) and you take something away from each fight to help de-escalate things more effectively next time (of course there will be a next time.) There are some things about your partner that you can only learn by fighting with them.
Fighting styles are so much more important than we realize... From my rather biased place, I think that having different fighting styles is actually better because this means there is always a "calmer link" i.e. the person who will simmer down the fight. In our case, the fighting styles are way too similar, which leads to crazy explosions and standoffs that drag on for hours at a time with each one of us too proud to "give up." We are "DOING THE WORK" though so hopefully I won't ever have to wipe my bullshitty feed! 😂😂
Love this! Just watched the documentary about the Gabrielle Venora Petito’s murder (a prime yet extreme example). It used to be “you never know what goes on behind closed doors” now it is “behind the posts.” I too agree the taboo needs to go just like mental health we all have our challenges. We need to remind ourselves everyone is human and it’s ok to show vulnerability.
Thank you for this! **Shudder about the doc analogy, although I see your point!
I was thinking about it this morning and I feel like I didn't elaborate enough.. I don't actually expect "regular people" to go around posting about their relationship issues – but where are the so-called "influencers" in all of this?! Why is it that the same woman talking openly about her "gut health" would never dare mention couples therapy? Just wondering where this crazy stigma comes from...
I’m no expert in "fighting well," but here are a few things that have worked for me:
1. **Remember you're a team.** The words you say can stick in your partner’s mind long after the argument is over. Once something is said, it can’t be unsaid, so think before reacting.
2. **You’ll get through it.** Accept the fact that no matter what, you’ll come out the other side. Arguments are like adjusting a watch—small parts need tweaking and realigning before everything works smoothly again.
3. **Look for solutions, not just problems.** Instead of just venting, ask questions like: "How do we get past this?" "What’s your perspective?" or "What’s your vision for the solution?"
4. **Sleep on it.** Even if you go to bed angry or upset, remember that things usually feel clearer and better in the morning. Time has a funny way of healing wounds.
5. **We’re all imperfect.** We’re doing the best we can with the tools, emotional baggage, and life experiences we have. Cut yourself and your partner some slack.
6. **Sometimes, it’s okay to just give in.** Even when you know you're right, saying “You’re right, honey” can work wonders. Sometimes it’s not about being right, but about keeping the peace.
Hope this helps, and I’d love to hear what others do when the heat of the moment strikes!
Love this.. Thanks so much Alexandra!
I don’t know a single person who has posted about their relationship problems on social media - but I know quite a few that suddenly wiped all the smiling photos, proclamations of eternal love, and all traces of their partner from their feeds. Social media has made people hell bent on showing the best version of themselves - the aspirational vision board is an excellent analogy - but in that regard, they also want people to think that their partners are perfect too.
Social media aside, the whole paragraph on how it takes time and work to understand each other’s damaged parts is *chef's kiss* - absolutely perfectly stated. My partner and I didn’t have our first big fight until about three years in, during the exhausted and anxious stage that inevitably follows the birth of your first child - and I was shocked to learn that we have very, very different fighting styles, stemming from very different personality traits. But hopefully you both learn (I'm still learning) and you take something away from each fight to help de-escalate things more effectively next time (of course there will be a next time.) There are some things about your partner that you can only learn by fighting with them.
Fighting styles are so much more important than we realize... From my rather biased place, I think that having different fighting styles is actually better because this means there is always a "calmer link" i.e. the person who will simmer down the fight. In our case, the fighting styles are way too similar, which leads to crazy explosions and standoffs that drag on for hours at a time with each one of us too proud to "give up." We are "DOING THE WORK" though so hopefully I won't ever have to wipe my bullshitty feed! 😂😂
Love this! Just watched the documentary about the Gabrielle Venora Petito’s murder (a prime yet extreme example). It used to be “you never know what goes on behind closed doors” now it is “behind the posts.” I too agree the taboo needs to go just like mental health we all have our challenges. We need to remind ourselves everyone is human and it’s ok to show vulnerability.
Thank you for this! **Shudder about the doc analogy, although I see your point!
I was thinking about it this morning and I feel like I didn't elaborate enough.. I don't actually expect "regular people" to go around posting about their relationship issues – but where are the so-called "influencers" in all of this?! Why is it that the same woman talking openly about her "gut health" would never dare mention couples therapy? Just wondering where this crazy stigma comes from...