This has been the hardest internal debate I’ve ever had with myself. My gut reaction, the answer that comes to mind first is yes, of course I want another one, I always wanted two - how can you not want more of this completely indescribable love?
But when I start to zero in on the day-to-day specifics of having a second child the hesitation takes over. It’s not fear, per se, of the colic, the sleepless nights, the risks to both physical and mental health and everything that could go wrong (although there’s a lot of that sprinkled in,) but rather acknowledging that life will change much more drastically with a second child than it did with my first. With my toddler, I still have some semblance of a social life, I have just enough time for my business (although admittedly I did have to scale back,) and I have enough time to cook healthy meals for my daughter and dinners to reconnect alone with my partner. Travel, which is something that is very important to me, is still manageable with our toddler. But having a second child would change all of that. I would no longer be able to live my life to my expected and desired standards without hiring an army of help. My partner would love to have as many kids as possible, but he is also at work for most of the day (and some weekends) and can sleep through cannon fire.
The question then becomes how much of myself and life as I know it am I willing to give up in order to have a second child? Am I still going to be as attentive and as present a parent to my older child? Am I willing to give up the idea of the super-close bond that most single children have with their parents? Will this strain my relationship with my partner? The obvious answer is that if we were to have a second baby, we would of course adapt, as all humans do. This is different for every family, and no two families are the same - no one knows your quirks, your relationship with your partner or your child better than you. It’s a decision that affects all of you, but in different ways - and I think the more prepared you are to make it, the easier it will be.
Once again, same page. It does feel like there are two schools of thought- have babies back to back or space them out a few years. I know for myself that I finally crawled out of my postpartum cave once my baby was 9 months and my eyes stopped twitching THINKING about a second at 16 months. I still give myself a year before we start trying again.
This has been the hardest internal debate I’ve ever had with myself. My gut reaction, the answer that comes to mind first is yes, of course I want another one, I always wanted two - how can you not want more of this completely indescribable love?
But when I start to zero in on the day-to-day specifics of having a second child the hesitation takes over. It’s not fear, per se, of the colic, the sleepless nights, the risks to both physical and mental health and everything that could go wrong (although there’s a lot of that sprinkled in,) but rather acknowledging that life will change much more drastically with a second child than it did with my first. With my toddler, I still have some semblance of a social life, I have just enough time for my business (although admittedly I did have to scale back,) and I have enough time to cook healthy meals for my daughter and dinners to reconnect alone with my partner. Travel, which is something that is very important to me, is still manageable with our toddler. But having a second child would change all of that. I would no longer be able to live my life to my expected and desired standards without hiring an army of help. My partner would love to have as many kids as possible, but he is also at work for most of the day (and some weekends) and can sleep through cannon fire.
The question then becomes how much of myself and life as I know it am I willing to give up in order to have a second child? Am I still going to be as attentive and as present a parent to my older child? Am I willing to give up the idea of the super-close bond that most single children have with their parents? Will this strain my relationship with my partner? The obvious answer is that if we were to have a second baby, we would of course adapt, as all humans do. This is different for every family, and no two families are the same - no one knows your quirks, your relationship with your partner or your child better than you. It’s a decision that affects all of you, but in different ways - and I think the more prepared you are to make it, the easier it will be.
Once again, same page. It does feel like there are two schools of thought- have babies back to back or space them out a few years. I know for myself that I finally crawled out of my postpartum cave once my baby was 9 months and my eyes stopped twitching THINKING about a second at 16 months. I still give myself a year before we start trying again.
Thank you for this piece...did you secretly have a window into my own set of muddled thoughts on this subject?! Hehe