This has been the hardest internal debate I’ve ever had with myself. My gut reaction, the answer that comes to mind first is yes, of course I want another one, I always wanted two - how can you not want more of this completely indescribable love?
But when I start to zero in on the day-to-day specifics of having a second child the hesitation takes over. It’s not fear, per se, of the colic, the sleepless nights, the risks to both physical and mental health and everything that could go wrong (although there’s a lot of that sprinkled in,) but rather acknowledging that life will change much more drastically with a second child than it did with my first. With my toddler, I still have some semblance of a social life, I have just enough time for my business (although admittedly I did have to scale back,) and I have enough time to cook healthy meals for my daughter and dinners to reconnect alone with my partner. Travel, which is something that is very important to me, is still manageable with our toddler. But having a second child would change all of that. I would no longer be able to live my life to my expected and desired standards without hiring an army of help. My partner would love to have as many kids as possible, but he is also at work for most of the day (and some weekends) and can sleep through cannon fire.
The question then becomes how much of myself and life as I know it am I willing to give up in order to have a second child? Am I still going to be as attentive and as present a parent to my older child? Am I willing to give up the idea of the super-close bond that most single children have with their parents? Will this strain my relationship with my partner? The obvious answer is that if we were to have a second baby, we would of course adapt, as all humans do. This is different for every family, and no two families are the same - no one knows your quirks, your relationship with your partner or your child better than you. It’s a decision that affects all of you, but in different ways - and I think the more prepared you are to make it, the easier it will be.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your candidness and am so happy to have you on my mommy team.
Every parent I've ever spoken to has told me that the change from one to two kids is actually harder than the shift from zero to one which is MIND BOGGLING to me and the biggest deterrent from having a second child. It just keeps on haunting me – this is it, I will never be free, I will never travel, my mom can never handle both, I will have to have 10 people in the house at all time, where the hell are we all going to fit, etc etc etc. Similar to what you described.
I honestly wish I had the luxury of TIME. This is the bargain you make when you choose to enjoy your twenties, I suppose – the fact that, when you do get on the "adulting wagon," you will have to go fast and hold on tight and not let go for about 5-6 years when both kids are in school. You don't get the luxury to just relax after one and wait until the chaos is over, and you are once again a little bored and yearning to get all that love all over again (cause that stuff is addictive. the baby smell!!) I guess everything in life has a price. Maybe I should write about this?
Once again, same page. It does feel like there are two schools of thought- have babies back to back or space them out a few years. I know for myself that I finally crawled out of my postpartum cave once my baby was 9 months and my eyes stopped twitching THINKING about a second at 16 months. I still give myself a year before we start trying again.
I got obsessed with asking moms about the age difference between their kids. surveyed every person I met and the general consensus seems to be that a 4-year age gap is a sweet spot cause the older one can "help" take care of baby. so... WE GOT TIME!
This has been the hardest internal debate I’ve ever had with myself. My gut reaction, the answer that comes to mind first is yes, of course I want another one, I always wanted two - how can you not want more of this completely indescribable love?
But when I start to zero in on the day-to-day specifics of having a second child the hesitation takes over. It’s not fear, per se, of the colic, the sleepless nights, the risks to both physical and mental health and everything that could go wrong (although there’s a lot of that sprinkled in,) but rather acknowledging that life will change much more drastically with a second child than it did with my first. With my toddler, I still have some semblance of a social life, I have just enough time for my business (although admittedly I did have to scale back,) and I have enough time to cook healthy meals for my daughter and dinners to reconnect alone with my partner. Travel, which is something that is very important to me, is still manageable with our toddler. But having a second child would change all of that. I would no longer be able to live my life to my expected and desired standards without hiring an army of help. My partner would love to have as many kids as possible, but he is also at work for most of the day (and some weekends) and can sleep through cannon fire.
The question then becomes how much of myself and life as I know it am I willing to give up in order to have a second child? Am I still going to be as attentive and as present a parent to my older child? Am I willing to give up the idea of the super-close bond that most single children have with their parents? Will this strain my relationship with my partner? The obvious answer is that if we were to have a second baby, we would of course adapt, as all humans do. This is different for every family, and no two families are the same - no one knows your quirks, your relationship with your partner or your child better than you. It’s a decision that affects all of you, but in different ways - and I think the more prepared you are to make it, the easier it will be.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your candidness and am so happy to have you on my mommy team.
Every parent I've ever spoken to has told me that the change from one to two kids is actually harder than the shift from zero to one which is MIND BOGGLING to me and the biggest deterrent from having a second child. It just keeps on haunting me – this is it, I will never be free, I will never travel, my mom can never handle both, I will have to have 10 people in the house at all time, where the hell are we all going to fit, etc etc etc. Similar to what you described.
I honestly wish I had the luxury of TIME. This is the bargain you make when you choose to enjoy your twenties, I suppose – the fact that, when you do get on the "adulting wagon," you will have to go fast and hold on tight and not let go for about 5-6 years when both kids are in school. You don't get the luxury to just relax after one and wait until the chaos is over, and you are once again a little bored and yearning to get all that love all over again (cause that stuff is addictive. the baby smell!!) I guess everything in life has a price. Maybe I should write about this?
As always, thank you for the inspiration <3
Once again, same page. It does feel like there are two schools of thought- have babies back to back or space them out a few years. I know for myself that I finally crawled out of my postpartum cave once my baby was 9 months and my eyes stopped twitching THINKING about a second at 16 months. I still give myself a year before we start trying again.
I got obsessed with asking moms about the age difference between their kids. surveyed every person I met and the general consensus seems to be that a 4-year age gap is a sweet spot cause the older one can "help" take care of baby. so... WE GOT TIME!
Thank you for this piece...did you secretly have a window into my own set of muddled thoughts on this subject?! Hehe
hahahha i think we're all just going through the same thing!!
Yep it certainly seems that way doesn't it!